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July 28th, 2009 (09:02 am)
contemplative

current location: work
current mood: contemplative
current song: blahblahblah

It's been ages and years and lifetimes since I posted anything online anywhere but facebook and message boards. It's not that facebook is so much more enticing, in fact, I desperately miss the ability to sit still, and think thoughts, and put them down in writing, but I have so. little. time. and so much to say, and I sit down, and all these thoughts flutter into me like little half-formed butterflies, and I end up saying nothing because I can't sort it all out. I update Facebook with some lame status, and wonder where my time went, as I go play blocks with my kid.

I know I have my priorities in order. I wouldn't change anything. Doesn't mean I don't miss the way it used to be. It's taken some time to get my brain rearranged.

I'm trying to switch jobs (again). There is too much bile taken out on me for things that I can't fix here. Management has had conversations about how they'd hate to see me go. I smile and nod and work my ass off, but will drop this job like a hot potato, if I can find something better. The economic climate is not one that will allow me to just quit, like I'd like to. I'm committed to working full time until Robb is done with school. Frustrating, but again. Priorities. When he's through school, and finds a better job than the one he currently has, maybe I won't have to work full time.

Big realization of the month; while I love my mother very much, I don't respect her at all. I don't think she did a particularly good job of being a mom. I think she could have protected me more, and allowed her to protect me less. It's why I hated the first four seasons of Gilmore Girls; they had the relationship my mom thought we had, and I wanted Rory to break off, leave her mom in the dust, forget all about her. I'm a little bit broken that way.

I'm dealing with that brokenness every day in my marriage. My head is always looking for ways to prove that I am not loved, I do not deserve this, my wonderful daughter, my amazing husband. It's a constant battle with my own brain, to remind myself that I have worked hard, become a better person, that I do deserve to be loved, to be taken care of, to be respected. It's not easy.

I am finally writing the book about adoption. It's hard. I'm writing about a character who is living in the worst moments I've ever experienced. I was there for maybe ten minutes in thirty years. I'm making her live there, and I don't know if it will get better for her. Ever. That's scary, and makes me feel guilty. I hope that Lia can survive everything I'm putting her through and come through the fire, tempered.

I've submitted the vampire novel to several agents. All of them sent denials within 48 hours. The last agency has had the book for 10 days, and hasn't said no yet. I'm starting to get excited, even though there's miles between this and getting an agent, and lightyears between getting an agent and getting published. It's a start. It's me, putting it out there. Trying.

I'm trying to be brave, every day. Trying to live in the light, and shy away from the darkness, instead of the reverse. It's so hard, so impossibly hard. Thinking about living the whole rest of my life like this makes me dizzy; I don't think about it if I can help it. I take one second at a time, one choice at a time, and focus on honesty, on lovingkindness. Sometimes it makes it harder, because so many people seem to think I have this thing dialed in. Sometimes I'm afraid to fail. Sometimes it's easier, because I have an image to live up to. Sometimes I feel suffocated.

Those are your random thoughts for today.

Comments

(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
Posted by: K (ariel_in_blue)
Posted at: July 28th, 2009 08:27 pm (UTC)

Any time you want to talk about it, I'd love to. Ironically, it is both freeing and strengthening for me to acknowledge the places where the walls are weak; seeing them in the daylight helps me shore them up.

Posted by: K (ariel_in_blue)
Posted at: July 28th, 2009 08:21 pm (UTC)

thanks for the vote of confidence. :)

As for agents, i started by pulling out my favorite YA books (that being the genre). I looked up those agents online and in the Writer's Market Guide to Literary Agents, and saw who was taking new clients. I looked for who had a fascination with horror, without it being a specialization. I sent them what they asked for, and this has varied with each agency (some want one page; some want five. Some want a query and a summary. Some want a query and sample pages. Some just want a query).

He still hasn't said no.

(Deleted comment)
Posted by: K (ariel_in_blue)
Posted at: July 28th, 2009 10:15 pm (UTC)

I did play on agent query a bit; what I found was that it didn't give me the info I really wanted. Sure, it told me who said they were okay with buying YA right now, and it gave recent deals -- but recent deals are books that won't hit print for at least a year, and I don't know if those books are like my book, or not.

There are almost no agents I found that didn't accept queries by email. It's easier for them, too. they can just download everything to their Kindle and be on their merry; it's not just us that's been suckered in by the convenience of email.

I felt like the benefit of looking at who was an agent to my favorite authors was that it gave me some sense of what the agent liked. Example: I was really disappointed when I was turned down by the woman who handles Laurie Halse Anderson, because I felt that my jaded heroine was in a very similar vein to Anderson's damaged characters. It took away some of the sense that I was shooting into the dark.

Posted by: K (ariel_in_blue)
Posted at: July 28th, 2009 10:16 pm (UTC)
Also:

Lucy saw your icon, and said "Doggie!! Woof!" with enough excitement that I felt I had to report. :)

Posted by: Artemis42 (artemis42)
Posted at: July 30th, 2009 10:33 pm (UTC)
Handspinning yarn

Beautiful knitting Goddess, I could talk with you for days about many of these things.

Suffice it to say that being right here, right now is the best medicine I've ever discovered, and I'm so excited about your writing!

Enormous hugs to you and yours!

-Me.

Posted by: sagoriga (sagoriga)
Posted at: April 15th, 2011 12:22 am (UTC)

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